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The Original...

Hello My name is Chad Blake From Globe & I was wondering if your group
did any parties Fundraisers extra? If so I would love to have your group
at one of are clubs. If I could invite you down to one of are bars for a
bite to eat or even a few drinks to show you what we would have to offer
that would be awesome. I will have tables set up at the university soon
in Hub mall. I have been with Globe running there promotions since it
opened. Yes it is my job to book parties so I would love if you could at
least here me out!! I have worked with lots of the facilities on campus
such as BSA, Science, Engineering, Ski Club, Law, U of A athletics Ext. I
can also set up get Brithday Packages, Foam Parties, & Pub Crawls! Thanks
for your time.
P.S. I have left my contact info below.

Chad Blake
[IMAGE] Edmonton's Biggest Variety of Clubs!
Chad Blake
Promotions Manager Globe Group
10045-109St
Edmonton Alberta
Canada
globetapbar@telus.net
tell: 780.426.7111
fax: 780.426.7100
mobile: 780.405.1000
Add me to your address book... Want a signature like this?

The Response...

I made a few corrections to your email...

On Thu, 18 Nov 2004, Globe Tap Bar & Grill wrote:

> Hello My name is Chad Blake From Globe & I was wondering if your group did

This sentence contains several gramatical mistakes and could use a few
commas. For example:

Hello, my name is Chad Blake. I am the promotions manager for the Globe
Tap Bar and Grill, and I was wondering if your group would be interested
in hosting an event at our facility.

This would have been a better introduction. Notice how it identifies who
you are, what you are, and what your point is. This way, someone can
decide, within a few seconds, if they are interested in the rest of the
message.

> any parties Fundraisers extra? If so I would love to have your group at
> one of are clubs. If I could invite you down to one of are bars for a
         ^^^ ^^^
Um... "one of _our_ clubs." same thing

> bite to eat or even a few drinks to show you what we would have to offer
             ^ ^
          comma comma

> that would be awesome. I will have tables set up at the university soon in
> Hub mall. I have been with Globe running there promotions since it opened.
                                           ^^^^^
 Since this denotes possession, the correct usage would have been "their".

> Yes it is my job to book parties so I would love if you could at least here
     ^ ^^^
   comma That "here" is used to denote a location. You wanted "hear".

> me out!! I have worked with lots of the facilities on campus such as BSA,
                                          ^^^^^^^^^^
          They're called "faculties". Facilities are things like buildings.

> Science, Engineering, Ski Club, Law, U of A athletics Ext. I can also set up
           ^^^^^^^^^^^
Engineers are dirty, rotten scoundrels. Save yourself the pain of having
their greasy little paws all over your bar. It scares the women away -
which scares the rest of humanity away. Try English, or Nursing. Both of
those faculties are generally full of HAWT women.

> get Brithday Packages, Foam Parties, & Pub Crawls! Thanks for your time.

"I can also set up get Brithday Packages..."
What!? Perhaps "I can also set up birthday packages, foam parties, and pub crawls!"
The use of an ampersand - the "&" - within a sentence is also a grammatical misstep.

> P.S. I have left my contact info below.

A P.S. generally goes after you have signed off on a letter. In this case
a simple "Sincerely" or "Thank you for your time" would have been better.

> Add me to your address book... Want a signature like this?

This kind of stuff is annoying as hell. You're turning your emails into
advertising for some other company. That's bad.

Thank you for your time,

Jeff Sushetski / /
VP-Social / / / / /
Undergraduate Association of / / / / /
Computing Science / /
www.uacs.ca

The Reply...

I have attached a letter in proper English. I think that I have lived to many
places, or my little brother taught me how to speak sorry for the awful email
before.

Hello, my name is Chad Blake, promotions manager for the Globe Group,
representing Edmonton's hottest bars. Currently we operate the following:
Globe Tap Bar & Grill, Krobar, Filthy McNasty's, Bar None & Fluid Lounge.

We would love to host your parties, fundraisers etc.at one or all of our
clubs, and guarantee that it will be a fantastic evening for whatever
event you choose to throw. If we could invite you down to one of our places,
for a bite to eat, or a few drinks - to show you what we have to offer - that
would be awesome. But, as an example, we have had the pleasure of hosting many
U of A parties already, including: BSA, Science, Engineering, Ski Club, Law and
 Athletics. As well, we are also more than happy to set up birthday packages,
Foam Parties and Pub Crawls! Basically, if you need help throwing ANY kind of
party, we are the ones to call.
I appreciate your time in reading this and have left my contact information
below. Please feel free to call me anytime should you have any further
questions or would like to book an event.

Cheers!

Sincerely,

Chad Blake

Did you know that we sell ridiculously cheap snacks and drinks? It's true!

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