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Some background

And so it was that people came to ask us: "what prompted all this insanity?" And so it was that we came to tell them: "they had it coming."

We were seated around two tables, discussing the week's events and planning those to come, in that foul year of Our Lord -- two thousand and two. I was but a sports monkey in those days, and another filled the rather mundane position of President. His name was Fraser Gallop and it was he who reformed us, from a gaggle of slackers with no moral fibre to speak of, into the mighty machination of magnitude nay prior seen. That is to say, he made us have weekly meetings and actually do things. I had not been a member during the dark days, but I had heard many a story. This is but filler.

The old business had been finished off a while ago, and the new business was just being put to bed when our Treasurer (as he was known in those days) brought up some information he had heard 'round the monkey bars during his daily travels.

It would seem that the Sciences student group, UASUS, wanted us to hold our elections in a time frame that would better coordinate with their elections. They saw fit to make this demand because they represent the faculty of Science, and we represent the department of Computing Sciences -- a lowly department under the mighty faculty of Science.

The room fell silent as the many minds turned over this new proposal. My mind must have worked more quickly than the others, for I found the words tripping off of my tongue before I realized just what I was saying. In terms of eloquence that could never be dulled by the passage of time, I rattled off a screed as to why we should not comply with their most unreasonable of demands.

I will not bother you with excessive purple prose and fillibuster, but the main thrust of my argument was that our election date had already been set, plans were already underway for the election, and that we were an autonomous unit -- we should answer to no student group, no matter their perceived power. As my tongue fell silent once more, I could feel the approval in the air. We were as One, united in our sovereignty.

Fast Forward

Fraser is no more. Many events and many services have been planned and orchestrated since his passing of the torch -- not the least of which was a selfless food drive that saw students competing against faculty to donate the most food. This charitable race culminated in the shaving of the heads of Dr. Mike MacGregor and, later, Tys von Gaza. We dutifully cleaned up the fallen hair so that the cleaning staff would not be burdened by the remnants of our contest. But what to do with the hair? We were in the process of disposing of it -- wrapped in a garbage bag -- when a voice rang out from the crowd. It was the voice of our VP Sarcasm, and it was vivid in its clarity.

Give it to UASUS

Yes, UASUS -- our long-forgotten enemy; our sleeping keeper. We would show them that we would kowtow to them no more; never again would we pussyfoot around the sleeping bear. We would be as shrews -- wily and cunning -- in our vengeance.

This, indeed, was a fine warning ... but it was lacking somehow. A truer warning was fashioned out of indelible marker and paper plate -- the calling card of UACS.

This is a WARNING! -UACS

The plan was made to deliver the Warning during the next UASUS office hours. A brave contingent made their way to this forbidden zone but the cowards running UASUS had been lax in their duties, and had skipped out on their office hours. Taking some masking tape from the soul-destroyingly hideous election poster for Mat "Guppy Penis" Brechtel, we adorned the UASUS doorknob with our Warning. The stage was set for war.

We declared our hostile intentions in the next issue of the Gateway, yet the lines of communication with UASUS remained silent. We stepped up our efforts, openly defying them in yet another Three Lines For a Toonie but still there was no response. We demanded transfer payments to maintain our roads and hospitals, in the face of this most horrid war, but it would seem that UASUS had tucked its tail between its legs and shivered in fear. If ever there would be a time to strike, this would have to be it.

The Deed

We gathered early one Monday morn, to set the plan in action. Brick paneling and double-sided tape had been purchased the previous weekend, and we were determined.

But we needed a message. Seizing opportunity by the reins, I began to write -- with the indelible marker that is hallmark of UACS.

Would Operation Donkey Punch be a success? Only time would tell. We put on our finest sneakers -- for sneaking!

and made the hike to the UASUS Office

The brick paneling would fit perfectly, we saw.

And then we waited.

They say the waiting is the hardest part

We did not have to wait long, though our throats were plied with fresh coffee and we were tucked in with enough homework to last several hours. We sat at the tables adjacent to the former UASUS Office in the basement of Bio Sci, and glanced at the doorway whenever someone passed by.

Eventually some dude in a beige coat walked up to the brick wall, stopped to examine it, touched it, and carried on his apparent merry way. We put him out of our minds, as he was obviously not a member of UASUS. But she was.


I'm not sure what her name was, but her attitude was disbelief. I stole away from the table where I had been sitting, and took a drink of water under the guise of being just a normal student. She poked the paneling with her foot and asked me if she should kick it in. I put on my best "what's going on, guy?" face and asked if she was a member of UASUS. She replied in the affirmative, and seemed rather downtrodden about this newfound turn of events. Who would barricade a door at 07h00? Who, indeed!

After kicking the paneling for some time, she grabbed an edge and started to pull. She huffed and puffed, using language befit only for vagaries and longshoremen, and the paneling came off.

It was then that she checked for a message on the reverse of the paneling. Thankfully, we had written one.

The intrepid work of our photographer, not to mention the tidal wave of laughter washing over the common area, caught her bewildered attention and she stormed into our sitting zone.

"Why do you guys care so much? Why do you guys care so much?"

That was all she could say. Was she near tears? Was she near the Breaking Point? Was the stress too great? We'll never be able to know because at that moment The Dude came back. That's right, Mr. Beige Jacket returned -- and he was a member of UASUS after all!

Aha! So our photographic evidence proves that he was not wearing a beige jacket after all. He must have changed. It's not important, as they both refused to speak to us any further. We retired to our office, successful and eager to reward ourselves with more precious coffee.

So let this stand as a warning to any other student group who dare provoke the wrath of UACS. We shall not roll over and take it for anyone. We are strong! We are proud! We are UACS, and we will Donkey Punch all those who stand in our way!

Did you know that we sell ridiculously cheap snacks and drinks? It's true!

During the the Fall and Winter semesters, our VP Social sends out weekly updates to keep you up to date on the latest activities in the department. If you're not in the department and still want to hear about our valiant efforts, send us an email and we'll send you the intel.

UACS has a brand new kettle this year. It doesn't taste like plastic because it's not made of plastic. To find out what it's made of, stop by the office!

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